**ADDED AN EDIT AT THE BOTTOM **
I had a memory today about my cancer -- it came out of nowhere. I tried, afterwards, to think of what even made me think of it. No clue -- I was driving and thinking, on my "noodle" somewhere, and it lead me to the day and about an hour before I had my tumor removed.
I remembered lying on the table while they were inserting these long, thin metal markers that marked where the tumor was so the surgeon would know where the tumor was when he operated. They also were injecting dye around the tumor to see the blood flow pattern away from it, which helps them to look at lymph node involvement -- they had to find the tumor and insert the markers with an untrasound machine. Since the tumor was at the chest wall, they had to give me deep shots of pain killer so that these markers & dye could be put in.
I don't remember that it was painful, just uncomfortable, as shots can be - So my memory started at the point where these two ladies that were inserting these things were talking with me and right in the middle of answering them, in the middle of my sentence, I burst out crying.
It's interesting how I don't remember a lot of what I went through, and had not remembered this until now. I remembered that I didn't know why I was crying (and couldn't seem to stop) and trying to explain that to the ladies. Even now when I think back I'm not sure-- it could have been the stress of the whole thing, or the stress of the days leading up to this with Gracie's leg...I don't know. But when my thoughts hit that memory today, I teared up and was very emotional.
And that stuck me as very odd because I hardly ever think about my diagnosis and treatment and when I do, there isn't ever any emotion attached to any of it -- more just like it happened and it's over.
So why would this one, fairly benign memory evoke emotion? I mean, there are many memories, and some much, much worse than that one and they don't upset me to think about.
My mind was tempted to over think this one, tempted to temporarily lose my joy and peace over remembering a very painful and uncertain time. But my gracious God popped the chorus to this song in my head, reminding me that my heart and mind need to be stayed upon Jehovah and His faithfulness, mercy, grace, healing, etc etc etc, through a very hard trial and not on an isolated, painful emotion of a distant memory.
Like A River GloriousLike a river glorious, is God’s perfect peace,
Over all victorious, in its bright increase;
Perfect, yet it floweth, fuller every day,
Perfect, yet it groweth, deeper all the way.
Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.
Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.
Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.
Every joy or trial falleth from above,
Traced upon our dial by the Sun of Love;
We may trust Him fully all for us to do.
They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.
Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.
**EDIT **
After talking with one of my friends yesterday, I would like to expound on the "there
isn't ever any emotion attached to any of it" comment I made above.
The emotions that are lacking that I was referring to are fear,
anxiety, sadness, anger, horror, depression, etc etc etc. The reason for this is
because God so greatly carried me through this trial that when I think
back to certain surely horrible memories, there is only peace, which leads me to the casual "it happened and it's over" feeling, or the comment I make a lot, "it was no big deal". It's not that it wasn't a big deal, but in the grand scheme of things, in God's great mercy on me, I was covered in His peace, which made it "no big deal."
So in thinking about this more, I think why the emotion was there when
I thought back to this was because it was a time I had a lack of
peace. But through that memory, God also reminded me of the peace I did have in much worse circumstances -- as
in, even though I had a lack of peace at that moment, the bigger
picture was that God flooded me with His peace as I turned and leaned
on Him through the following many months of treatment and surgeries
-- and I am blessed all over again by His mercy on me.
Stayed upon Jehovah I find perfect peace and rest.
**END EDIT**
Have a good week.
~Di
). I'm not sure how old Abby was either, but she must have been younger than 18. 
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