Out of all the songs that could possibly be playing in my head today at the memorial – it happened to be this one from Surf’s Up:

Like the ocean needs the moon to take the tides away,
All we need’s a little time to chase the blues away,
Sun is out and it feels like it’s always gonna stay,
Let this last forever and turn tomorrow into yesterday,

Wanted to do a year in review, but kind of missed doing it by the end of the year… So, instead of goodbye 2010 — here we are, hello 2011!

 

January 2010 started off with torrential rain.

 

 

a Christian dance recital (Val’s doing hula here)

a silly dress up

 

And an attempt to recreate the past…

February Val and Ellie threw a surprise party for their friend, Heather

 

Val turned 17!

 

she celebrated at lunch with her friend Hannah, who also turned 17 that day

 

and then more celebrating at night with her best friend, Phoebe, who made her a cake

 

We also had some nice weather – any chance to go to the beach!

 

Julie babysat and cooked with Katherine and Elizabeth

 

Val messed around with her new camera

Julie played with static electricity!

 

and Ellie straightened Dad’s hair…

 

…for his role as “Biff Buffolini”, a mobster, in a Murder Mystery Night

 

… accompanied by “Karen Cake”, the Wedding Coordinator

 

 

 

 In March Julie turned 15!…

 

…and we surprised her with a party!

 

 

In April we had visitors from the north, my sister, Marilyn….

 

… and her daughter Natalie

 

We got to ride in a fire engine

 

witnessed the beauty of God’s hand

 

had a photo shoot at the beach

 

 

and dressed up for youth night wearing something that communicates a godly character qualities

Julie was Joy, Val was purity, and we also had patience, honor, courage, peace, generosity, respectability, and maturity.

Julie was well on her way to playing the bass

 

we enjoyed Easter with cousin Alison

 

Gracie entertained all with a song

 

and we hung out with good friends…

 

In May Ellie turned 19

 

Valerie’s ballet class at the studio teaching 1 – 4 year olds grew…

 

 

we said goodbye to the voice teacher, Bob Olinger, until the next school year

 

Valerie’s other ballet class had an end of school recital…

 

The Aslan yearbook team successfully produced the 2009-2010 yearbook!!

 

and Mark got beat up at our kick-off-summer Memorial Day pool party

 

In June we celebrated another year of promotions for our homeschool.

Here Gracie sang, “I Quiet my soul”, accompanied by her sister.

 

Julie and Emmet sung a duet

 

And Elizabeth accompanied Valerie singing as well

 

Grace was promoted to 8th grade

 

Julie was promoted to 10th grade

 

Valerie was promoted to 12th grade

 

We enjoyed another camping trip with our homeschool group

 

And made up songs to sing to the poor UPS man whose truck broke down in front of our house

 

we played hide and seek with the cat, but she wasn’t very good at it

ahahahahahahaha!!!

 

and had some silly fun…

 

July started with Gracie’s 13th Birthday

 

and a birthday party

 

a dinner out with the family

 

a broken humerus from falling off the skate board

 

welcomed baby Kaden Urbina

 

enjoyed praising God, here in a worship night at our house

 

Found a perfect spot at the San Onofre State Beach

 

and witnessed amazing feats, like Smith fitting into the girls’ spring suit

 

August rolled in as Valerie rolled off…

 

enjoyed one of maybe 3 sunny days at the beach this summer

 

Traveled to Nevada to celebrate my dad’s 75th birthday…

 

…with our entire family

 

had a cooling dip in the pool

 

delighted in fresh picked blackberries

went to an opening of the movie my nephew, Alex, and his family were in

and celebrated the last beach day of summer with a bonfire

 

 

September started with school pictures

 

a fun free day at Disneyland and California Adventures…

 

dragged Barbara on a ride she’s never been on

 

made manicotti…

 

…and then enjoyed the meal

 

discovered Julie’s love for tools…

 

and celebrated my 47th Birthday

 

October started with Steve’s 53rd birthday

 

 

Julie got her permit….

 

 … and enjoyed scaring me!!

 

We played in the rain

 

and went on another camping trip with our school group

 

put up a tent

 

as well as rented a motor home

 

Val took some crazy spinning pictures

 

Gracie carved a pumpkin

 

The girls dressed up for Halloween

 

and for a Halloween party

 

November found us celebrating Thanksgiving with good friends

 

and me 35 lbs thinner

We also found out my sister has breast cancer…

 

December we decked the halls and trimmed the tree

 

delighted in a double rainbow

 

Celebrated the Savior’s birthday

 

Enjoyed giving and receiving gifts

 

 Especially the State (from my mom and dad) and City (from my brother) beach passes!!!

 

appreciated a good Christmas dinner with family

 

and enjoyed a harbor cruise in a duffy boat!

 

 

This year also in March, Steve and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary!!

Praise God for so many wonderful years and so many blessings!!

 

Then and now

 

So goodbye 2010 and hello 2011. Looking forward to all the adventure you will hold!!

~me

Every year at this time I update my site with my story of cancer (which is below this part of the post).  My 7 year anniversary of being cancer free was on December 4th.  Seems like waaaaaaaaaaaay longer than that!!  I was getting all  my medical paperwork in order the other day and I was looking for my biopsy and surgical reports from my cancer era so I could send it to my sister who was recently diagnosed, but I couldn’t find them anywhere around here.  I looked in all the usual places, and then I looked in all the unusual places — nothing!  So I called my oncologist and requested for them to fax them to me.  They did…. and as I was reading them over it became perfectly clear as to why I couldn’t find them.  I had never seen these reports — and for good reason!  There were 5 things that they tested for in my biopsy.   4 of the 5 of them had this written after them:

Prognosis: Unfavorable 

Dang!!  It literally took my breath away.  You’d think after 7 years that this would not bother me.  But, dang!  I literally couldn’t think after reading it.

A couple of the values I didn’t recognize, so I looked them up (bad move )…..  I mean, I knew I wasn’t hormone receptive (which with breast cancer isn’t good because there isn’t anything they can do to stop it from returning as they can do if you are hormone receptive), and I knew that it was extremely fast growing as my Her2/neu value was the highest it could be: 3+. But one of the things tested for was this cancer marker that determines the likelihood of the cancer returning (the higher the percent the more likely it is to return).  High levels of this thing also is a sign that the response to chemotherapy would be poor and because of that long term survival was poor. 

My value: 60%… 

SIXTY PERCENT!!!!

Yikes!

I don’t recall my oncologist ever mentioning or talking to me about this value or the group of values together as my prognosis being unfavorable.  Maybe he did and I wasn’t listening or able to comprehend what he was actually telling me.  I have an appointment in January, and you can be sure that I will be talking to him about it, as it seems I have had a more rose colored view of my prognosis than is actually the case.

Survivor.

All these people refer to themselves as “cancer survivors”. That is a word I have not associated with my personal case of cancer nor one that ever resonated with me.   Up to this point I guess I had saw cancer like any other type of illness/thing one might get that could possibly end your life.  I mean, it’s not like I run around calling myself a “Graves Disease survivor” or “pneumonia survivor” or a “car accident survivor”.  And it’s not like I ever focused on the cancer taking my life (– well, I did in the very beginning, but not after I started treatment).  But for the first time after looking at these biopsy results and understanding how unfavorable my prognosis really was, the word “survivor” resonates somewhere within me.

But I still swerve away from that phase.  I mean, what’s the profit of focusing specifically on whether or not I survived. Apart from God it means nothing.  And really, cancer isn’t something *I* survived.  Cancer is something God healed me from.

¹Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
²Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
³Who pardons all [my] iniquities,
Who heals all [my] diseases;
⁴Who redeems [my] life from the pit,
Who crowns [me] with lovingkindness and compassion;
⁵Who satisfies [my] years with good things,
So that [my] youth is renewed like the eagle.

~Psalm 103:1-5

And now for the reposting of my story (and Gracie’s story, for it was the day Gracie broke her leg, I went in for my biopsy) – it’s really long – so if you’d rather just skim it and look at the pictures, feel free to do so .

———————————————————————————————————————————————

My anniversary and my daughter’s anniversary

I am thankful it is a happy one… that is, 7 years still cancer free for me – and Gracie all mended up! 

Going back to Thursday, December 4th, 2003:  I was busy doing lots of things, getting ready to go to an afternoon appointment to have a biopsy on a lump they found in a routine mammogram in late November two weeks before. I was trying to balance my checkbook on the computer while talking with my friend on the phone, when I heard an ear piercing scream — you know, one of those that goes down to the core of you — you know something awful has happened.

I run in to the front room to find my daughter, Gracie laying on the floor screaming in pain.  She was 6 at the time.  My other daughters were trying to explain to me what happened — she was running and had slipped on the floor.  We had our cleaning people here and Amelia was mopping the tile floor.  Gracie ran chasing the cat and stopped at the end of our couch — one foot on the tile floor, one foot on the carpet.  But the tile was wet, which sent Gracie’s foot and body sliding in a very weird twisted position.

It wasn’t making sense to me at the time.  Gracie wasn’t in the kitchen, nor was she on the carpet by the end of the couch – rather she was a ways into the family room.  My brain couldn’t figure out how she had fell and got where she was.  Days later I found out that my oldest daughter, Elizabeth, had tried to carry her to me, but Gracie was screaming in pain so she laid her back down and came to get me. She thought when she tried to move her that she made it worse, so the poor girl didn’t tell me until days later.  It was then, too, that Elizabeth told me that she heard Gracie’s leg crack when she was falling. A big *SNAP*.  Had I known that, I would never have tried to move her myself, as I thought she just ripped a muscle or ligament or something.

I tried to move her but she just screamed.  I didn’t know what to do -so I just quickly packed her up and laid her on the bench seat in the van – she was in so much pain.

Every time I had to brake, every bump, every little movement made her scream in pain.  I went to prompt care (which was closest to my house). I ran in to get someone to help me, but no one would come out to the car to see her.  They told me they had a 2 hour wait and I would just have to wait or take her to emergency.  I was so upset — at that point I should have called an ambulance.  The thought of now driving another 8 miles was just unimaginable. But I got back in the car and headed for emergency with Gracie screaming in the back, trying to use calming words to comfort her.  I tried to call Steve at this point to let him know I had to go to emergency instead of prompt care, but my phone was dead, and my car battery charger had to be bent in the cord just right to make it work.  So there I am trying to drive on the freeway, trying to hold the cord just right, while trying to call him and keep Gracie relatively calm.  But my phone would NOT work!

Up to this point, I was holding myself together.  I pulled up in front of emergency, came around to the side of the car and opened the van door.  I was telling Gracie that I needed to leave her for a moment so that I could go in and get some help – obviously she’s screaming for me not to leave her.  Just then two doctors were walking by and they stopped to ask me what had happened.  I told them she hurt her leg and then I lost it…I just looked at them with tears.  They sent the guard in to get a wheelchair.  I couldn’t even squeak out a word to say that she was so hurt she couldn’t sit in a chair.  So out came the chair, finally now getting a hold of myself, I told them I needed a bed. When they went back in the bed, the guard asked me if I needed anything – I told him I needed a phone so I could call my husband.  He gave me his — sweet man — one act of kindness that will forever stick out in my mind — a sweet mercy God blessed me with.

No one wanted to be the one to move her to the gurney, so I just did it quickly her screaming the whole time.  Once in emergency they gave her some morphine, but it didn’t really help.  The Dr came in and just looking at her leg said in amazement that she had broke her femur. I guess femur breaks are unusual and they maybe see one in a year.  The xray confirmed it.  It was all a great trial of my strength as every time they had to move her, weigh her, you name it, she would be screaming out in pain.

My surgery to remove the tumor was that next Monday (15th). My mom came down to help out as  Grace need to be  lifted and carried and I was not going to be able to do it (during the day when my hubby was gone).

  My mom helping Gracie in the shower

 

This was just after my first lumpectomy.  We took this picture to send to my sister in Idaho.

My friend, Karin Sanders, made Gracie these underwear that had velcro on one side.  That was a huge blessing — finding stuff for her to wear was tricky. The girls had these pants that had snaps up the leg — we used those a lot and then just other times dresses or skirts.

Gracie needed to be taught how to clean her pin holes, which needed to be cleaned several times a day with peroxide and a q-tip.  Gracie did not like to see her leg, so we kept it covered with an ace bandage most of the time.

The surgeon thought he could go in and just do a lumpectomy to remove the cancer and some follow-up radiation… everything sounded so neat and easy, but, alas, the results from the Dec 15 lumpectomy revealed that not only did they not get a clean margin, I had a second type of breast cancer as well.  This was located in the milk ducts.

Another lumpectomy on the 22nd trying to get a clean margin.  About 1/8 to a 1/4 of the breast was removed between the two surgeries.  And because it was all the way to the breast wall, it left an heavy indentation in the breast tissue.

On Christmas Eve I got the test results by phone from my surgeon — the tests showed that it was all over my breast (still no clean margin). I would need a mastectomy to remove the cancer completely from the breast.  I had also finally gotten the pathology results.  My tumor was a very aggressive one. My surgeon scheduled me for an oncologist appointment that afternoon.

Thinking back, it was even a “fluke” that I had gone in for my mammogram.  I only did so because we had met our deductible for that year.  Otherwise, I’m not sure that I would have found it important enough to go in for one.  We make a gazillon “random” choices a day. This one turned out to be the one that saved my life. Because of the aggressiveness of the tumor, it would have been a matter of weeks before it had matastsized and the matastsization would have spread quickly… and then this would have been a story about the quality of life (or impending death) rather than about being cancer free…

Off to an afternoon appoinment with the Oncologist (still Christmas eve).  More bad news from him.  It wouldn’t be enough just to have the mastectomy, I also needed chemo because there was like a 40% chance, because of the blood vessels that tumor creates, that it had spread into my blood stream where it could deposit somewhere — even though the initial tests showed that it hadn’t matastasized to my lymph nodes.

I didn’t want to tell my parents, who were at my house.  I couldn’t bear dealing with their fears and sadness while trying to come to grips with mine. So although we told them about the mastectomy (they were next to me when I got the call at home), I didn’t tell them about the chemo, which I found out about at the oncologist’s, until after New Years and we had the test results of the CT & PET scans. 

Steve, earlier in the month, had written out “NOEL” on our roof with Christmas lights.  When we drove in to the driveway from the oncologist appointment that Christmas Eve, he looked up there and said “Noel?? We should change it too: Oh hell!” I love my hubby and they way he makes me laugh even when everything around us is caving in.

Gracie and I on Christmas Morning

Gracie got a snow white dress up for Christmas — she just loved it!

The next few days were hell for sure.  I hadn’t had my CT or PET scan so I didn’t know if it had matastasized, didn’t know if I was dealing with life or death or just a bump in life.  I struggled terribly to even smile.  But it was Christmas so I did try really hard – but the news was so heavy on my heart — would I even be around for next Christmas?  So every so often during the day, I went into the bathroom and just cried.

I vividly remember the *total* lack of joy I had for 3 days.  That is the heaviest I ever remember my heart being.  I can remember crying out to God to lift the heaviness as it felt like it would squash me under the weight of it. 

During that time I remember I started going through the promises of God to me as His child  — His love, His perfect care, the fact he would never forsake me or leave me and was walking through this with me. These promises focused me on my future hope.  And the heaviness lifted.  I can remember Steve driving me to the appointment where I would find out the test results.  I didn’t know if it was going to be good news or potentially devastating news to my family.  But I vividly remember an inexpressible joy in my heart as we were driving to that appointment.  I didn’t care what the results would be; I was standing on the promises of God and my future hope and that made me content, peaceful, thankful and joyful.  God is so faithful!

 The Scriptures that helped me so much to find that joy in the pit of my trial – which caused my soul to rejoice in the Lord even in the midst of the hardest thing – and sustained me through the whole trial:

 1 Peter 1:3-9:

³Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  ⁴to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you,  ⁵who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  ⁶In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials,  ⁷so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;  ⁸and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,  ⁹obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.

I had the tests the day after Christmas and on Monday, Dec 29th finally… Good news.  It had not matastasized!!  But that following Monday, I would already start chemo…

In preparation for my hair falling out, I came home from my appointment and cut my hair short.

And then again the day before my first Chemo on January 3rd.
 

Chemo started January 5th and went for 4 sessions 3 weeks apart ending on March 5.   The first one was really bad; I spent the most of the night laying on the floor of the bathroom.  The next three days that nausea would not leave me.  I remember calling the doctor on that Thursday in tears — will it EVER go away???!  I had to drink large amounts of water to rinse the chemo from my system – but I could only suck small amounts at a time through a water bottle laying down.   Finally on Day 6, I felt a bit better and started to eat.  The next week I had to go and get my blood tested.  I had to have one red blood cell shot — and then had to go in every day for 5 days for white blood cell shots. To this day, I dont’ think I have had anything quite so painful. They give it to you in the back of your upper arm very slowly.  I swear I almost passed out every time!!!  This causes your white blood cells to start producing, which your bone marrow makes.  So all my bones would start to hurt horribly (especially my jaw – it felt like someone was pulling out my teeth) and I would run a high fever.  This lasted about 2 or 3 days after my last shot. Finally the 3rd week I felt back to normal, only to start the whole process over that Friday…

Each successive chemo I wasn’t down for quite as many days — maybe 4, then 3, then 2 — amazing how your body can start to cope with something.  Although by the 3rd one, my white blood count would be almost nil when I would go in – so then they gave me this super duper white blood cell shot that would last for a week — Oh my gosh was that ever painful living through that week.  It was a $5000 shot!  Yikes!

My hair fell out two weeks after the first session — in handfuls!!  That was something that even though you prepare yourself for, when it happens it completely blows you away!!

 

I chose in April to have a double mastectomy (because, I mean, who would want to go through this again!). So as of April, I considered myself to be cancer free as having gone through the chemo and mastectomies, assuming the chemo has done what it was supposed to do, which was kill any microscopic cancer cells floating in my body.

 

It grew fast, growing almost 1/2 inch a month.  It came in thick, and curly in the back — which is so funny because I’ve always had pretty much stick straight thin hair!!! 

Alas, the curl is gone and I’m back to straight hair now (this was taken November 2010).

At the time of the mastectomies my surgeon also started reconstruction.  That was a long painful process which stretched out over the next 3 months, where I had to go in every 2 weeks and get injections of saline with this 4 inch needle into these reconstructive pouches that were put in during my surgery. YIKES – you should have seen this needle — very painful thing…  This was to slowly stretch out the skin for the final reconstruction implants.  That surgery was in late September 2004.

When I was told that I would need to have 4 more years of oncologist appointments 4 or more times a year, it seemed like forever away.  5 years of this!  I naively thought that once I had the chemo and mastectomies, I wouldn’t need to do anything else — why? It was all taken care off.  Never thought about after care.  And now, those 4 more years have passed.  I still need to go 2 or 3 times a year for blood tests, but I am officially done with having CT & PET scans — officially declared out of the woods.

My family and friends worked overtime to help me, support me, encourage me… with meals and driving me places and taking my children here and there, praying for me and with me, etc etc etc . My mom made several trips down her to help me during each surgery and recovery.  It is so humbling and I feel very blessed and loved.  God’s grace and mercy held me up through every twist and turn.

Well that’s about it. 
~Me

 

I actually forgot my cancer anniversary this year – for the 1st time in 6 years, I didn’t even think about it – it didn’t even cross my mind as we rushed into December this year… it’s such a distant thing now, an experience nearly forgotten altogether, only the passing reminder of the mastectomy scars — and even them I’m so used to that it doesn’t cause me to reflect – hardly ever.

I have been diligent to post ever year about it — so now having remembered, I’ll post — in remembrance, but mostly in thanksgiving!! This was from my post last year, slightly updated.

—————————————————————————–

My anniversary and my daughter’s anniversary

I am thankful it is a happy one… that is, 6 years and cancer free for me – and Gracie all mended up! 

Going back to Thursday, December 4th, 2003:  I was busy doing lots of things, getting ready to go to an afternoon appointment to have a biopsy on a lump they found in a routine mammogram in late November two weeks before. I was trying to balance my checkbook on the computer while talking with my friend on the phone, when I heard an ear piercing scream — you know, one of those that goes down to the core of you — you know something awful has happened.

I run in to the front room to find my daughter, Gracie laying on the floor screaming in pain.  She was 6 at the time.  My other daughters were trying to explain to me what happened — she was running and had slipped on the floor.  We had our cleaning people here and Amelia was mopping the tile floor.  Gracie ran chasing the cat and stopped at the end of our couch — one foot on the tile floor, one foot on the carpet.  But the tile was wet, which sent Gracie’s foot and body sliding in a very weird twisted position.

It wasn’t making sense to me at the time.  Gracie wasn’t in the kitchen, nor was she on the carpet by the end of the couch – rather she was a ways into the family room.  My brain couldn’t figure out how she had fell and got where she was.  Days later I found out that my oldest daughter, Elizabeth, had tried to carry her to me, but Gracie was screaming in pain so she laid her back down and came to get me. She thought when she tried to move her that she made it worse, so the poor girl didn’t tell me until days later.  It was then, too, that Elizabeth told me that she heard Gracie’s leg crack when she was falling. A big *SNAP*.  Had I known that, I would never have tried to move her myself, as I thought she just ripped a muscle or ligament or something.

I tried to move her but she just screamed.  I didn’t know what to do -so I just quickly packed her up and laid her on the bench seat in the van – she was in so much pain.

Every time I had to brake, every bump, every little movement made her scream in pain.  I went to prompt care (which was closest to my house). I ran in to get someone to help me, but no one would come out to the car to see her.  They told me they had a 2 hour wait and I would just have to wait or take her to emergency.  I was so upset — at that point I should have called an ambulance.  The thought of now driving another 8 miles was just unimaginable. But I got back in the car and headed for emergency with Gracie screaming in the back, trying to use calming words to comfort her.  I tried to call Steve at this point to let him know I had to go to emergency instead of prompt care, but my phone was dead, and my car battery charger had to be bent in the cord just right to make it work.  So there I am trying to drive on the freeway, trying to hold the cord just right, while trying to call him and keep Gracie relatively calm.  But my phone would NOT work!

Up to this point, I was holding myself together.  I pulled up in front of emergency, came around to the side of the car and opened the van door.  I was telling Gracie that I needed to leave her for a moment so that I could go in and get some help – obviously she’s screaming for me not to leave her.  Just then two doctors were walking by and they stopped to ask me what had happened.  I told them she hurt her leg and then I lost it…I just looked at them with tears.  They sent the guard in to get a wheelchair.  I couldn’t even squeak out a word to say that she was so hurt she couldn’t sit in a chair.  So out came the chair, finally now getting a hold of myself, I told them I needed a bed. When they went back in the bed, the guard asked me if I needed anything – I told him I needed a phone so I could call my husband.  He gave me his — sweet man — one act of kindness that will forever stick out in my mind — a sweet mercy God blessed me with.

No one wanted to be the one to move her to the gurney, so I just did it quickly her screaming the whole time.  Once in emergency they gave her some morphine, but it didn’t really help.  The Dr came in and just looking at her leg said in amazement that she had broke her femur. I guess femur breaks are unusual and they maybe see one in a year.  The xray confirmed it.  It was all a great trial of my strength as every time they had to move her, weigh her, you name it, she would be screaming out in pain.

My surgery to remove the tumor was that next Monday (15th). My mom came down to help out as  Grace need to be  lifted and carried and I was not going to be able to do it (during the day when my hubby was gone).

My mom helping Gracie in the shower

This was just after my first lumpectomy.  We took this picture to send to my sister in Idaho.
 

My friend, Karin Sanders, made Gracie these underwear that had velcro on one side.  That was a huge blessing — finding stuff for her to wear was tricky. The girls had these pants that had snaps up the leg — we used those a lot and then just other times dresses or skirts.

Gracie needed to be taught how to clean her pin holes, which needed to be cleaned several times a day with peroxide and a q-tip.  Gracie did not like to see her leg, so we kept it covered with an ace bandage most of the time.

The surgeon thought he could go in and just do a lumpectomy to remove the cancer and some follow-up radiation… everything sounded so neat and easy, but, alas, the results from the Dec 15 lumpectomy revealed that not only did they not get a clean margin, I had a second type of breast cancer as well.  This was located in the milk ducts.

Another lumpectomy on the 22nd trying to get a clean margin.  About 1/8 to a 1/4 of the breast was removed between the two surgeries.  And because it was all the way to the breast wall, it left an heavy indentation in the breast tissue.

On Christmas Eve I got the test results by phone from my surgeon — the tests showed that it was all over my breast (still no clean margin). I would need a mastectomy to remove the cancer completely from the breast.  I had also finally gotten the pathology results.  My tumor was a very aggressive one. My surgeon scheduled me for an oncologist appointment that afternoon.

Thinking back, it was even a “fluke” that I had gone in for my mammogram.  I only did so because we had met our deductible for that year.  Otherwise, I’m not sure that I would have found it important enough to go in for one.  We make a gazillon “random” choices a day. This one turned out to be the one that saved my life. Because of the aggressiveness of the tumor, it would have been a matter of weeks before it had matastsized and the matastsization would have spread quickly… and then this would have been a story about the quality of life (or impending death) rather than about being cancer free…

Off to an afternoon appoinment with the Oncologist (still Christmas eve).  More bad news from him.  It wouldn’t be enough just to have the mastectomy, I also needed chemo because there was like a 40% chance, because of the blood vessels that tumor creates, that it had spread into my blood stream where it could deposit somewhere — even though the initial tests showed that it hadn’t matastasized to my lymph nodes.

I didn’t want to tell my parents, who were at my house.  I couldn’t bear dealing with their fears and sadness while trying to come to grips with mine. So although we told them about the mastectomy (they were next to me when I got the call at home), I didn’t tell them about the chemo, which I found out about at the oncologist’s, until after New Years and we had the test results of the CT & PET scans. 

Steve, earlier in the month, had written out “NOEL” on our roof with Christmas lights.  When we drove in to the driveway from the oncologist appointment that Christmas Eve, he looked up there and said “Noel?? We should change it too: Oh hell!” I love my hubby and they way he makes me laugh even when everything around us is caving in.

Gracie and I on Christmas Morning

Gracie got a snow white dress up for Christmas — she just loved it!

The next few days were hell for sure.  I hadn’t had my CT or PET scan so I didn’t know if it had matastasized, didn’t know if I was dealing with life or death or just a bump in life.  I struggled terribly to even smile.  But it was Christmas so I did try really hard – but the news was so heavy on my heart — would I even be around for next Christmas?  So every so often during the day, I went into the bathroom and just cried.

About three days after that, I think I finally was prepared for the worse and an interesting peace came upon me.  I was resigned to whatever God had for me.  I remember driving with Steve to the appointment to get my CT and PET results with joy, not dread. Whatever came I knew my God would lovingly see me through.

I had the tests the day after Christmas and on Monday, Dec 29th finally… Good news.  It had not matastasized!!  But that following Monday, I would already start chemo…

In preparation for my hair falling out, I came home from my appointment and cut my hair short.

And then again the day before my first Chemo on January 3rd.
 

Chemo started January 5th and went for 4 sessions 3 weeks apart ending on March 5.   The first one was really bad; I spent the most of the night laying on the floor of the bathroom.  The next three days that nausea would not leave me.  I remember calling the doctor on that Thursday in tears — will it EVER go away???!  I had to drink large amounts of water to rinse the chemo from my system – but I could only suck small amounts at a time through a water bottle laying down.   Finally on Day 6, I felt a bit better and started to eat.  The next week I had to go and get my blood tested.  I had to have one red blood cell shot — and then had to go in every day for 5 days for white blood cell shots. To this day, I dont’ think I have had anything quite so painful. They give it to you in the back of your upper arm very slowly.  I swear I almost passed out every time!!!  This causes your white blood cells to start producing, which your bone marrow makes.  So all my bones would start to hurt horribly (especially my jaw – it felt like someone was pulling out my teeth) and I would run a high fever.  This lasted about 2 or 3 days after my last shot. Finally the 3rd week I felt back to normal, only to start the whole process over that Friday…

Each successive chemo I wasn’t down for quite as many days — maybe 4, then 3, then 2 — amazing how your body can start to cope with something.  Although by the 3rd one, my white blood count would be almost nil when I would go in – so then they gave me this super duper white blood cell shot that would last for a week — Oh my gosh was that ever painful living through that week.  It was a $5000 shot!  Yikes!

I felt pretty sick and was down for about 5 days, but did a bit better though each one, not being down so much or nauseous for many days, rather maybe two days.

My hair fell out two weeks after the first session — in handfuls!!  That was something that even though you prepare yourself for, when it happens it completely blows you away!!

January 22nd

I got a wig, but I think I only wore it twice — it was too itchy. 

I mainly did a scarf thingie.

My Mom and I

It was a long haul for Gracie and her physical therapy, which thankfully was here at the house every three days — a very painful road to full mobility.

She had another month of physical therapy.  Here she is with her physical therapist, Soriya.

 

Gracie was amazing in zooming around on the floor.  She would sit on the floor with her leg straight out in front of her and scoot along the ground with her arms lifting her off the ground.  I was amazed how quickly she could get around like this.  Much quicker than the bulky wheelchair!

She finally got to the point of being able to stand on her leg without her walker, but this was not until late February.

Gracie’s got her fixator off on our anniversary, March 3rd. 

Even with cleaning those pin holes several times a day when she had the fixator on, we still had issues with infections.  This, unfortunately, has caused her scars to be pretty deep and still noticable today, especially on the top two.  But she doesn’t seem to mind.  I would always tell her from the beginning that they were Jesus kisses on her leg – God’s mercy in being able to heal such a horrible broken bone!

Here she is so excited to finally get to wear a pair of pants after 3 months.

She limped for a while, but now you’d never know.

This is her in August 2004 – you can see the pin hole scars in her leg.

I felt God’s grace and mercy upon me day and night.  I had some down time, but those, PTL, were few and far in between.  I think I cried more for Gracie than I ever did for anything I was going though.  I mean, God gives you grace to deal with what you are walking through, but not always what others are walking through. And watching your kids suffer is NEVER easy.  It was a time that I was very close to the Lord.  I felt so much peace — definitely that peace that surpasses all understanding and was outside of myself.  There was nothing in me to lean on my own ability to deal with this, so my strength was found in Christ alone. 

Easter 2004
(Oh look — we hadn’t broken our wall out yet into the kitchen!)

I chose in April to have a double mastectomy (because, I mean, who would want to go through this again!). So as of April, I considered myself to be cancer free as having gone through the chemo and mastectomies, assuming the chemo has done what it was supposed to do, which was kill any microscopic cancer cells floating in my body.

Here’s me recovering from my mastectomies.

It grew fast, growing almost 1/2 inch a month.  It came in thick, and curly in the back — which is so funny because I’ve always had pretty much stick straight thin hair!!! 

Alas, the curl is gone and I’m back to straight hair now (this was taken November 2008).

My family and friends worked overtime to help me, support me, encourage me… with meals and driving me places and taking my children here and there, praying for me and with me, etc etc etc . My mom made several trips down her to help me during each surgery and recovery.  It is so humbling and I feel very blessed and loved.  God’s grace and mercy held me up through every twist and turn.

Well that’s about it. 
~Me
  

I read something today that was interesting. In talking about the God causing all things to work together for good (Rom 8:28). I think sometimes when things go “wrong”, I tend to pop up this verse in a kind of talking myself into God is good. As in, “I need to remember that God does all things for good – so this is for my good, even though I don’t understand it”. Kind of like “good” is something that I can’t understand because His ways are not mine. So good is some term that I won’t be able to comprehend until I see the whole picture or see how it works out perhaps not even in this lifetime, but in heaven or something like that.  I guess I was more or less holding that thought as a truth of God that I do believe, but don’t have an answer for.

But this devotion I was reading today was great because it defined what “good” is.

God has one goal for me: to become conformed to the image of His son. Although I already knew this to be true, I don’t think I really have thought about it in relation to “Him causing all things to work together for good.”

Everything in my life, everything that happens — each blessing, trial, joy or tragedy — all are because He is sculpting me with His all-wise and loving hand making me into “a beautiful reflection of Himself.” Therefore everything is good because that “thing” happening is God’s loving, good hand, sculpting me to be more like Christ.

He who as begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I have this confidence. And now when things go “wrong”, I can confidently say, “This is good because in this God will make me more like Christ.” — Wow — that’s an amazing thing to be able to confidently say…
—————————

She also is graduated high school this year!   Here are some of her grad pictures that her friend Bekka took:

That’s all for now.  Sorry it’s been so long since I updated.
~Di

I’ve fallen off the face of the earth again.  I really want to be sharing some thoughts in my head, but time is on the fast track heading towards graduations and year end madness. Over the last two weeks I’ve made 19 ballet costumes, and I still have two more (terribly difficult) I need to get done by this weekend (cut, but haven’t started sewing).  My daughter’s 18th Birthday Party is Sunday night, and my niece College Grad Party is Saturday night, and we always have a pool party here on Monday, Memorial day…. Then it’s into Youth ministry stuff and planning for Graduations on the 6th.  I have two graduating: Julie graduates from 8th and Elizabeth graduates from high school.

So, I probably won’t be saying much until some time in June! But I’ll probably try to post some pictures.

However, I do read my subscriptions and even comment here and there.  Just didn’t want ya to think I was ignoring you all.
~Di

…Continued from last post…

“You are where you are, doing what you are doing, connected to whom you are connected, under given authorities, not because you have put yourself there in order to find fulfillment, but because God has put you there for His purposes.”

Psalm 138:8 says, the LORD will fulfill his purpose for me… God has a plan for my life and for my vocation.

1 Corinthians 7:17 Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him…

Pay careful attention to the wording of 1 Cor 7:17 — lead the life that the Lord has assigned him – not lead the life that we think we have chosen.

We need to keep reminding ourselves that God has chosen our path and our response is to glorify Him in it.

We also need to see the value in the mundane tasks in our callings (otherwise our hearts become restless). Take my calling as a wife for instance. Ephesians 5:22 says Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. As I take care of the seemingly meaningless tasks associated with being my husband’s wife (laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc), I am fulfilling the first and greatest commandment (Matt 22:37-38), loving and bringing glory to God, and fulfilling the second one like it (Matt 22:39), loving and serving my neighbor as well as providing a picture of Christ and the church.

But so often we find our hearts restless, wanting to find some fulfillment outside of the mundane tasks we do – whether that involves being a student and doing homework, being a mother and cleaning the counter for the 400^th time in a day, being an employee and listening to your boss drone on or doing tasks you’d rather not do, etc.   Christa put it this way, “Our hearts naturally seek after adventure, lust for the “happily ever after”, and scorn the seemingly meaningless tasks which often comprise our day.”

Knowing that – that this is what my heart will naturally do, I need to be skeptical of my restless heart — we all need to ask — what are we seeking after and why?

So how do we quiet that restless heart?  We must resist the impulses of our heart and learn to think through what we are feeling biblically by fighting the good fight (1 Timothy 6:11-12) with contentment and perseverance!

These following paragraphs are just some of my personal notes after studying this, not necessarily what Christa shared.

Contentment grows out of having God’s perspective on life.  (back to the little quote the Christa wanted us to memorize from my last post and the top of this post).  Contentment grows out of humility and trust in God and devotion to Christ and eternal values. Philippians 4:12-13 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

A heart of thankfulness is the key to contentment – because – as soon as you are thankful (taken from “Thankfulness – Even When It Hurts” by Susan Lutz)

·        You enter the presence of God

·        You start to see your life differently, through God’s eyes

·        You defeat Satan’s efforts to control your interpretation of reality

·        You begin to link your life to God’s promises

·        You start to see not only your situation but yourself – your own heart – through God’s eyes

·        Your human relationships get healthier because they are shaped by faith.

God is in control, as Jeremiah 29:11-13 states, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

And the definition of perseverance: to continue to do something in spite of difficulty; refusing to give up; persist.  We need set our minds to just keeping on doing the right thing.  Galations 6:9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

We need to apply this biblical thinking to all situations. We need to be asking ourselves: How does understanding the doctrine of vocation give significance to the boring, small, routine tasks associated with one of my vocations?

… to be continued …